When the Humans Are Away, the Demons Will Play
by rcalendar
Summary: KuramaxHiei shounen-ai action! Oi. Feast thine eyes on the arabesque curves of our two most favorite youkai, in this sizzling pot of fanfic! Written by a friend and me during a particularly boring lunch period. Updated since then. Poo-diddy smut!


This is a joint project by moi and a friend, who wishes to remain anonymous due to possible reputation damage. It was written during lunch period in a deserted tech lab, fueled by nothing but our sick minds and a school-lunch bagel. The bagel was good.

I ask my readers, please send your reviews! Though basic, lemonless smut, I wound love to hear any and all comments you have, which will then be forwarded to my friend (who actually came up with most of the ideas, or so I'm told). That done with, on with the fic.

**When the Humans are Away, the Demons will Play**

"This sucks," Kuwabara sighed as the most depressing realization dawned upon him.

Donning his electric blue jumpsuit, he wondered, in the oblique state of mind characteristic of creatures of sub-human intelligence, what he had done to deserve this. Here he was, the super-smart, super-cool, super-neat Kuwabara Kazuma, and here he was, following his sister's orders, taking a kitten to the vet.

The thought vanished from his mind, however, as his peanut-sized brain began pondering his sole goal in life to defeat Yusuke in battle. By the time he was ready to leave his house with Ikachi, he had come up with the idea of using his spirit sword after a dynamic double back flip, after nimbly ricocheting off a wall for no particular reason except that it might look cool when animated.

Outside, fall was blossoming in all its passionate glory. Viscid red leaves danced like courtiers with their yellow counterparts, swept along by the chill autumn wind. Kuwabara was out the door, Ikachi cradled between his arms, snorting in the frigid air like a good doobie, when his spirit awareness was triggered. He sensed a burst of energy materialize behind him, but, for some reason completely unfathomable to his abnormally diminutive brain, he could not place its source. Panicked, he spun around.

Nothing.

Kuwabara doubled his pace, but the mysterious energy continued its pursuit. Perhaps an old enemy with a thirst for revenge; a gangster with gun cocked at his forehead? His feet were moving almost a fast as the wheels of his imagination when he heard a chuckle, and, immediately following, Kurama appeared before him.

"Don't do that to me, Kurama!" he yelled. His chest was heaving, heart like a hammer against his ribcage. "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Gomen," Kurama said, though his amusement had not yet fled his face. "Curiosity got the better of me, I'm afraid. Shouldn't you be at the battle dome with Yusuke?"

"Yeah, well, uhh," Kuwabara nearly dropped the cat in an attempt to scratch the back of his head. "My sister said I had to take the cat to the vet."

"Oh," Kurama blinked, wondering how taking Ikachi to the vet could possibly be more important than witnessing an important battle in the Dark Tournament saga. "That's too bad."

"Well, it's not like I have any choice," Kuwabara grumbled. "You know Shuzuru."

"Yes," Kurama sighed. Then his tone grew lighter. "Though I suppose... that I could take your cat to the vet."

"Oh, that would be great!" yelled Kuwabara, pushing to cat into Kurama's arms as he sprinted down the road. In a matter of seconds, he was nothing more than a cloud of dust floating in the wind.

"Baka," sighed Kurama. "Oh well, I suppose that sets my agenda for today."

Perching the kitten delicately atop his shoulder, Kurama proceeded down the road, wondering just how hard Youko might thwap him for being the good Samaritan this time around. He cringed, for it had to be pretty hard.

A few minutes later he noticed an occasional black flicker next to him.

As the black flash appeared for fifth consecutive time, he made his move: with preternatural agility, he lashed out with an arm, and made contact with a foot. With a yank, Hiei alighted next to him, his face weighed and shadowed by the moody attitude like a raincloud atop his head.

"Nice to see you, Hiei," Kurama chuckled.

"No need to be smug," growled Hiei.

Kurama, the ever-considerate demon, gave his friend a sidelong glance with the words, "What brings you here?"

"I was bored," replied Hiei. "And I was wondering if you wanted to do something today."

Kurama cocked his head, puzzled. Hiei was never bored.

"I have to take Kuwabara's cat to the vet," Kurama said, apologetically.

"You can do it later. The oaf won't be back from the battle dome till the end of the day. Come on."

"Fine," sighed Kurama. There was a light in Hiei's eyes he had never seen before. Something was very wrong, and, foolish or no, Kurama was curious as to what. It might be the second time in an hour the curiosity got the better of him.

"What would you like to do?"

"I don't know. Let's see what these arcades are that Yusuke's always talking about."

"I suppose," Kurama shrugged. Something told him, however, that Hiei wasn't interested in arcades.

"Well," said Hiei. "I'd like to change before we go, so let's go to my apartment."

_That's more what I was thinking,_ Kurama thought smugly. _A visit to the apartment. _

Upon arriving at Hiei's apartment, Kurama came to a most unexpected halt.

"Come in," Hiei said. "It's not that bad. I might be a while."

"All right," said Kurama. Something was very different about Hiei. The way he spoke with the slightest tremor in his voice, his constantly wavering spirit energy, these facts only reinforced his resolve.

Hiei never acted like this.

Kurama waited for what seemed like ages. But if Hiei was afraid, shouldn't Kurama be as well?

"Almost done?" called Kurama.

Almost as if in response, the lights flickered out, and Kurama was plunged into a darkness too deep for even his vision to penetrate. Panic-stricken, Kurama drew his rose whip, clutching its hilt. Moments later, Kurama sensed Hiei's spirit energy once more, and, somewhat embarrassed, proceeded to sheathe his weapon.

"Don't bother putting that away. We'll be needing it sooner or later."

"What's going on?" asked Kurama, fear eminent in his voice.

In the darkness, Kurama could hear Hiei advancing on him. Bracing himself with his whip at the ready, Kurama waited, hoping the lights would come back on, but afraid of what he might see if they did. Just as he felt Hiei's breath upon his chest, the lights flickered on.

Before him stood Hiei. Looking more delicious than ever, Kurama silently mused, as he was clad in nothing more than a spiked collar and leather pants so tight it was a wonder his circulation continued to function. Kurama nearly gasped as he saw the incision that had been made to reveal Hiei's eager loveshaft.

"Those are some massive genitals you have there," Kurama said in response. A faint riff ran through his voice, his throat contracted in anticipation and, most of all, fear.

"All for you," said Hiei, a grin dancing upon his flushed and lovely features.

Suddenly enticed, Kurama closed the gap between them, rose whip at his side.

"What shall we do first?" Kurama asked, a sly pleasure clear in his tone.

"Follow me."

Together they made their way through a doorway which Kurama assumed to be a closet, but soon discovered was not. What he saw before him shocked him to the core. He stood galvanized, gazing out upon what was somewhere between a torture chamber, a gymnasium, and Austin Power's private jetplane.

"Very nice," was Kurama's reply, eyes roving the scene with a mix of confusion and excitement. "I especially like the indoor skating rink."

"We'll try that out soon," said Hiei. "Let's begin with the basics."

In one swift motion, Hiei tore off his pants, revealing the tightest leather jockstrap Kurama had ever laid eyes upon.

"Leave the collar on," said Kurama. "It'll make things more pleasurable."

Thus they proceeded to go through the most complex of movements ever to be known by man and demon alike, positions that would cause even the eldest Toguro's jaw to go limp in admiration. Truly, so great was the sex, it did cause Japan to tremble upon its foundations.

Meanwhile, at the Tokyo dome, Kuwabara felt a slight tremor.

"Did you feel something, Yurameshi?"

"Shut up and watch the fight," replied Yusuke.

After such acrobatics, one would think even a demon would have been completely exhausted. But as Kurama so eloquently put it, he had not yet begun to fuck.

"Let's use one of your gym's facilities," said Kurama.

As if on cue, two pairs of eyes drifted to the hurdle at the back of the room.

As they walked toward it, Kurama said to Hiei, with the nonchalance of a man discussing his next item on the menu, "By the way, Hiei, your lovejuice is very tasty. What was that, salmon?"

"Swordfish," replied Hiei. "But let's get back to the task at hand."

As one, they approached the balance beam that had been looming so ominously in the background ever since Kurama had entered the chamber. A slight tremor ran through his lips. What was Hiei planning, devilish fiend that he was?

"Funny, I've not yet been completely satisfied."

"Yes," Kurama said. "I feel the same thing. It's kind of like a longing... a void..."

All of a sudden, their minds had the exact same thought, at the exact same time, prompted by the exact same urge. Slowly, their eyes wandered across the room, and fell upon, with a hungry pleasure, the cat.

"I like the way you think," said Hiei, a sly grin upon his face.

As they crawled slowly across the floor, the cat caught sight of them. Its sapphire eyes grew wider, and wider, and wider, till it seemed they might burst in a mass of gore from its small furry head.

As Hiei picked her up, it struggled and writhed, for it knew that it was no longer a kitten.

"I'm glad this is a lively one. At least Kuwabara's good for something. Now let's have some fun."

And so, many screams could be heard that night, screams of both pleasure and of pain.

Later, Hiei met Kuwabara to give him back his cat. The cat was barely recognizable; it was nothing more than a lump of quivering, fur-spattered flesh. Several bald spots showed pink against its slate-grey fur - a slate gray that, Kuwabara noted with abnormal perceptiveness, was stuck in tufts and balls within the great, gravity-defying mass of Hiei's hair. Some was even stuck in his teeth.

"Where's Kurama?" asked Kuwabara, suspiciously.

"He was tired," said Hiei. "So I said I'd do it."

"Well, did she get her treatment?" asked Kuwabra, stupidity once more dulling his eyes.

"Oh... he got his treatment." Said Hiei, with a sly grin upon his face.

As Hiei walked away and vanished into the night, Kuwabara wondered why he had acted that way. In those few moments, he'd felt and intelligence the likes of which he'd never experienced - as if his I.Q. had miraculously escalated to a whopping 74. It was an amazing feeling... so vibrant and invigorating. The only time he'd ever felt such a feeling was when he was with Yukina.

Then, with a realization of horror, it dawned upon him that he thought Hiei was very sexy, and Kuwabara made a silent vow, head upturned to the rising moon, that rather than devoting his time to beating Yusuke, he would pursue Hiei, his love.

_- Owari_

Now that you're done, a reminder: review!


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